My first heartbreak was when I was 11 or 12 years old.
I met him at church and he was the most beautiful person I'd ever had the pleasure to lay my eyeballs on. He was unironically cool and has shoulder-length curler hair and a side-smile that made me melt.
He smoked (he was my age), and well, after months of me secretly crushing on him, he tells me he likes me too.
I'm skipping straight to this, even though it felt like an eternity of pining before that, in which I had accepted no one as beautiful and glorious as that would look twice at me. There were many girls my age who seemed to have an adult's knowledge of style.
I looked like an awkward tween, my monobrow and mo was doing me no favours.
And then, to gloss over our months of bliss (I want to keep that to myself for now), my mum found out about us, and made me break up with him.
I could've lied to her and kept seeing him behind her back, but I was a trained obedient kid and I didn't want to …
I feel miserable all the time.
I'm going to see the doctors on Monday. I need help. But more importantly, I want help.
My deep sadness has been a part of me for as long as I can remember. I remember being a deeply sad child. I cried myself to sleep many times.
It affecting my work.
And I wish I cared about my well-being for my own sake. But the truth is, it's stopping me from doing things that I want to do. Or maybe I'm just lazy and there's nothing stopping me from doing what I want to do?
I'm not sure, but I don't want this guilt, or self-pity, or self-doubt to hang over everything I do.
I want to talk to a professional.
Wish me luck x
A few weeks ago I asked my facebook friends for their happy-bouncy song recommendations because I was in a dark place and I thought it was a way of reaching out, of engaging with people in a meaningful way because I didn't want to be alone.
And more people sent me recommendations than I expected, and friends who I didn't think would respond (as well as people who didn't respond that I assumed would. huh. anywho...)
When I tried some of the jams, they didn't click with me.
They didn't give me the joy that I was looking for, nor the joy that my happy-bouncy songs give me.
But they give joy to other people.
Though I can understand that that's possible, I didn't feel that truth. I just know it to be true because I believe it when my friends told me that these songs mean something to them. That it makes them happy. That it connected with them and brought out good feels.
And though I gave them more than one listens, some songs just didn't... feel good.