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mindblank

i think and think and think and think and think

and when i go to write...

silence.

ugh.

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trying to get unstuck

there are competing thoughts in my head:

- you don't know enough to disseminate your thoughts

- writing is just a way to think out loud, not preach to a congregation

- none of your thoughts are original

- no one's thoughts are

- white people will laugh at you

- well, if you're afraid of that, might as well do nothing

- people will laugh at you, of all races

- isn't that comforting? knowing you'll be laughed at regardless?

- also, people may not laugh, they may not care at all

- but there will be people who do, people who need you to do what you need to do. it's not to boost your ego laura, it's to remind you that what you do is not just about you, it never was.

- just do the thing.

- send the email, write the pieces, submit them, hope for the best

- you've survived heartbreaking rejection before, you can survive professional rejection also (emotionally i mean, maybe panic a liiiiiittle cos you need $$$$$ lol)

- you've got this.

Getting Help

I feel miserable all the time.
I'm going to see the doctors on Monday. I need help. But more importantly, I want help.
My deep sadness has been a part of me for as long as I can remember. I remember being a deeply sad child. I cried myself to sleep many times.
It affecting my work.
And I wish I cared about my well-being for my own sake. But the truth is, it's stopping me from doing things that I want to do. Or maybe I'm just lazy and there's nothing stopping me from doing what I want to do?

I'm not sure, but I don't want this guilt, or self-pity, or self-doubt to hang over everything I do.
I want to talk to a professional.
Wish me luck x