Monday, 12 February 2018

my crutch

when i feel really lonely (like tonight when i'm listening to the sad brooke fraser songs and reflecting on my trip to samoa and missing it), there are several habits i am tempted (and have succumed to) to quench the loneliness. i'm writing this out so that i get to acknowledge out loud, to myself (and my hundreds of readers lol) that these are real temptations but maybe don't indulge in them.

1. fuckbois.
there are a handful of guys who have given me attention and because they do, i feel wanted, attractive, and important. they're a nice quick fix, though they don't truly respect me (judging by how they treat me). but they fulfill their purpose and i end up paying the price of having interacted with a fuckboi.

2. drunk texting/calling exes
my exes are quite lovely dudes and will always, in good nature, at least reply with kindness and say they hope i'm okay. is there a such thing a fuckgirl cos that's what i may be to them.

3. maybe this should've gone before the previous point, but: drinking
drinking when lonely and sad only deepens the feelings of loneliness and sadness for me. drinking is at its funnest with my friends and cousins, and if those aren't the circumstances, probs should not aye.

4. god
for believers, this may be offensive to list god, under the same place where fuckbois are, but hear me out (feel free to stone me and/or pray for me afterwards). from my experience of Christianity, god is promised to never leave me nor forsake me and love me unconditionally, and these terms sound so alluring when i'm most vulnerable. but in these times, like right now, its hard to remember that i was in my most depressive low when i was a part of the church, i was always compromising myself, and i felt like i could trust no one, not really. gossip flowed through the church like in any other social group, so it was hard to open up about the darkest, most shameful sins, the secret ones when no one is looking. but beyond the church (people recommend i haven't found the right one), i was faking my connection to god a lot of the time. i knew the right things to say when it was my turn to pray and was more interested in being a good christian than finding true peace. i'm at my most peaceful, most self-loving, most compassionate now that i'm not a believer. but when i'm lonely, i think, maybe i should just go to god, forgetting how my life "with Him", didn't bring me true, lasting, comfort.

hahahaha didn't realise this was gonna lowkey be a blog about my hangups with christianity. eka.

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