Skip to main content

paralyzing fear

i'm scared that i'm not good enough

i'm scared that not being good enough means being tossed aside; disposable

i'm scared that people will not trust me

i'm scared they'll laugh behind my back

i'm scared they'll laugh to my face

i'm scared of being a disappointment

i'm scared of being yelled at

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

my country, my prime minister

10:27pm

This is the election I've voted for and the results aren't good.

And this is the first time that I've felt like this was ~my~ country.

I've been a permanent resident since 2003 and have been a citizen since 2014. And I've always felt like I'm just a visitor here, a guest. That I'm lucky to have been allowed not just to come here, but to stay. To work and go to school here. To make friends and kiss some people. I've felt, grateful, and wanted to live in a way that didn't jeopardise that. I followed the rules and lost my "fobby" accent. I learned how to move between my white and brown social circles. I still haven't quite learnt how to be, when those circles are in the same room but, like everything else about living, I'll figure it out as I go.

And now I figure out my new feelings about this country. My country... those two words taste funny in my mouth. Le masagi. But I gotta keep chewing, get accustomed to this feeling.

I&#…

trying to get unstuck

there are competing thoughts in my head:

- you don't know enough to disseminate your thoughts

- writing is just a way to think out loud, not preach to a congregation

- none of your thoughts are original

- no one's thoughts are

- white people will laugh at you

- well, if you're afraid of that, might as well do nothing

- people will laugh at you, of all races

- isn't that comforting? knowing you'll be laughed at regardless?

- also, people may not laugh, they may not care at all

- but there will be people who do, people who need you to do what you need to do. it's not to boost your ego laura, it's to remind you that what you do is not just about you, it never was.

- just do the thing.

- send the email, write the pieces, submit them, hope for the best

- you've survived heartbreaking rejection before, you can survive professional rejection also (emotionally i mean, maybe panic a liiiiiittle cos you need $$$$$ lol)

- you've got this.